Again, this is going to be a personal one. I’m the kind of person who can only create through experience. Or exaggeration. So my stories come from, well, exaggerated experiences. Or secret desires. Or sometimes they are inspired by something I’m currently heavily into pop-culture wise.
I find that, its been hardest for me to express myself clearly through anything other than writing. Trying to speak about my feelings can never truly express my emotions accurately and I find that people misunderstand what I consider fear and anxiety as laziness or inability to try. I want to be clear that for a long time now I’ve known how I feel. I’ve understood why I feel the way I do and to be honest, who cares if nobody else does? What is important is that I can recognize and confront my feelings.
But, alas when someone asks me how I’m feeling, I settle for, “I’m fine”. But I’m hardly ever fine. I struggle day in and day out to cope with these emotions I have. And, without someone to understand those feelings, there have been many times that I’ve gotten to my ultimate low. My ultimate low is what i define as my life during high school. The self-hatred was at an all time high, the extremely depressive thoughts, it was bad.
I’m finding that writing, even if there is no one reading helps calm my nerves. It helps me remain grounded to this earth, it helps me realize that I’m just a small spec in the universe and that in time things will change. Things are always changing, even if it’s not at a pace I’m comfortable with.
Whenever I think about giving up and ultimately wallowing in a despair I know I can’t get out of, I try an remember that this life I have hasn’t always been good. Its been challenging and in the face of that my parents have always reminded me that although things look uncertain now, it doesn’t mean that this is how they will remain. I’m 22 years old, still very much a new adult trying to figure out what it is that makes me happy. So when I think about giving up, I switch my mindset and think about making a change. And so far, I’d say its been working. Seeing as I’m still here.